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A Carers Thought's

right from the start, you were a thief, you stole my heart

So we received the date for si’s tribunal recently and it’s on the 3rd of May. We weren’t expecting it to be so soon, as well as this we had a new ESA50 form to complete and we both had our birthdays this week. I tried to make sure he had a great birthday and tried to take his mind off everything we had to do, unbelievably he got a letter from atos on his birthday reminding us that the form needed returning soon. I think I was mostly successful apart from this! After this though, we have had to knuckle down and make sure we have sent all the evidence we can for the tribunal, make sure there is nothing we have missed and complete that damn form.
Si has been having a lot of trouble with his hands since using the crutches full time and he was also in a lot of pain the day we chose to do it so he was on morphine, because of this, I completed the form for him. It always strikes me how much the questions are there to trip you up, they are so vague and could be interpreted anyway you like. The best example of this is the lifting questions, can you lift a light empty cardboard box? First of all why would you ever need to, where are you lifting it from, where do you have to put it after lifting? This is how easy it is to get a life of luxury on benefits (big LOL at anyone who believes that crap by the way).
So anyway we got that sent off (recorded obviously, after we had made a copy as we always do now), and a lot of the evidence we sent with that is the same as for the tribunal and I realised it looks like so little to describe what an impact this has on our lives. It’s crazy that those pieces of paper will decide whether someone believes us or not. That is how I am looking at this tribunal, it’s them finally believing us or saying no you’re a lying scrounger. I don’t know how Si will cope if he does lose and the closer it gets, the more of a possibility that feels. I was so confident a while ago especially when we saw the wonderful lady at the cab and even though I know there’s no way he could ever work, and I know that he is absolutely in the wrong group, I have less and less confidence that they will agree. I am very active in disability rights on twitter and see so many appalling stories that I have no faith in the system anymore.
Every time I think about the tribunal, I get a knot in my stomach and feel sick, I’m so worried about it and am keeping myself busy to avoid thinking of it. I’m so nervous in case I have to speak or anything. If anybody reading has been through this, please give me some advice on what to expect.
As well as this, my dad is still drinking, not that I expected anything else, and he collapsed again last week when taking my sister to hospital. Every time he goes to hospital for someone else, he collapses it must be some sort of anxiety, my sister told me that he has begun taking a glass of cider to bed with him ready to drink when he wakes up. This feels like a new level of alcoholism and really is worrying me, he was hiding it in his drawer but my mom found out and told him she knew, I’m not sure if he has carried on since this but she’s at work early every morning so he has access to it straight away even if he’s not doing this now. I have no Idea what I should do, he point blank refuses to talk about it, even walking away from me when I try to bring it up. My mom thinks he can just stop and won’t seem to accept that he is an alcoholic, my youngest sister is the only one who seems to see the reality.
Maybe it’s not my job to anything but I feel helpless and feel like I’m standing by and watching him kill himself slowly.
It’s not all bad though, I have dropped to 4 shifts at work and it’s much nicer, and I’m on holiday at the moment which is great but best of all…. Tomorrow I will be reunited with my true love, I am going to see p!nk aaaaarrrrggghhhh! I’m so excited it’s unreal, it feels like I have waited forever and now it’s here! It’s our first outing together as officially disabled, so will be interesting to see how that goes, we’re also at the doctor’s for some blood results and hopefully we will find out what type of arthritis si has.
Thanks for reading 🙂


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